Quit Smoking, Method One

X amount of ways to quit smoking.
Laugh your way to a smoke free life. Maybe.

Written by Patrick Clermont

“The duty of comedy is to correct men by amusing them.”  – Moliere

“Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world.
know because I’ve done it a thousand times.”   – Mark Twain

MMM… the pleasures of smoking. Yes, that wonderful ritual of lighting up and sucking back on the filtered teat that gives you hope and a reason to live (and possibly a way to die). “The Cigarette”. What other reason would you have to wake up in the morning if not for the insidious, yet so alluring trappings of said cigarette? A wife, husband, kids, work? Heck, those are the reasons you indulge in this soothing and calming ceremonial tradition. You reach for the magical baton slowly bringing it to your lips, you set fire to it,  you begin to absorb the nostrum, then shangri-la. Life is worth living once more. Truth be told, if it wasn’t for work, friends, family and overdue bills, you would have quit a long time ago. But you my friend are no quitter. Or are you?

Have you tried to quit before? Probably. Maybe you’ve tried reading motivational quotes to try to inspire you? Things like:

  • “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try, try again.” when in fact the quote that might suit you better would be “If at first you don’t succeed, deny ever trying.”
  • “We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.”  -Aristotle
    That makes you an excellent smoker.
  • “You are greater than your addiction” – Nasia Davos
    He was probably thinking of someone else.

Is it possible that today is different than all other days before? After all, you legally purchased this book in hopes to find the enchanted and mythical formula that will end your obsessive dependency on the consumption of “The Monster From The Tar Pit”. Maybe.

If you’re thinking that this book is going to change your life, then you may be more wretched and pitiful than I initially speculated when I took on the task of writing this manuscript. If one “Quit Smoking” book could do the trick, then Allen Carr would have stopped writing after his first “Quit Smoking” book. Instead he went on to write:  “Easy way to stop smoking” and  “Little book of quitting” and “Stop smoking permanently” and his really helpful one, Allen Carr’s “Easy Expressway to Stop Smoking and quit E-Cigarettes” and finally, but probably not, this really, really helpful one “No more ashtrays”. I hope you get the picture.

If not, here it is. Quitting smoking is not easy, in fact it’s so hard Allen Carr had to write a book for every day of the year on the subject. At this point I’m surprised he simply doesn’t write his books on Zig Zag rolling papers. Now you find yourself buying my book “X amount of ways to quit smoking or Laugh your way to a smoke free life. Maybe.” Take note that this implausible and  ill-fated journey you’re about to embark on comes with a small disclaimer and warning.

Here it is::

  1. There’s a really good chance you’ve just wasted $2.99. I hate to add insult to injury, nonetheless I will tell you that you could have bought two “Hotdog & Pop” combos at Costco for that price, then had a smoke afterwards.
  2. Unfortunately you’re probably gonna read this book and fail again. Who can blame you? Maybe it’s because deep inside you can’t muster up the kahunas to take it all the way home? I’ll let you be the judge of that.

“Good luck this time my friend.” your acquaintances will say after they find out you’ve legally purchased this digital book. All the while you’ll be sucking in a warm dose of that magical elixir nicotine, the one that so graciously brings you a calming and reassuring sensation. As you blow out the enchanted fumes of the much bedeviled leaf of the Nicotiana genus, you close your eyes and smile. With coffee, with tea, with drink, it doesn’t matter; this is yours and you love it. You love it damn it and you know what? It’s ok.

Yes, I said it. It’s ok. You can’t help it, it’s not your fault. You’re weak and vulnerable, you can’t be held responsible for the decisions you make. You simply can’t quit. You don’t smoke because you want to, you smoke because you have to.  You’re sick and need help. So, go ahead and put this book down, go light one up before you lose all remaining self control and do something you’ll regret.

Contrary  Neuroscience

“The reason reverse psychology works is because people do not like to be told what to do.”
–  Lotsopeeps

Did it work? That my friend, was reverse psychology.  Were you like… “Hell no! I’m not weak, I know what I’m doing. I can quit anytime. I’ll prove it to you. I quit.”

If the first method worked, congratulations, you are now an ex-smoker. Welcome to your new life. Now that you’ve quit smoking you’ll start to get immediate results and health benefits. Twenty minutes from now your heart rate is likely to return to normal. (Whatever that means.) But hold on, there’s more, we’re not through yet. This time tomorrow your blood’s carbon monoxide level will be falling back into place. (Google that. I have no idea what it means but come on… it sounds good.) After barely two to three weeks, you will start to lower your odds of having a heart attack. That means a lesser chance that those “loved ones” in your life will be cashing in on that life insurance policy they all think you have. 

At this point you’re probably thinking that things couldn’t get much better. Oh, but they will. In the long run, you will also lower your chance of getting lung cancer and other cancers. Think about it, other cancers. Did you know that  many people die every year of other cancers?

For those of you who have triumphed over your Nicotine, Tartaric Acid and Veratraldehyde addiction using the first method and now find yourselves smoke free, I say “Congratulations, chip, chip, what, what!”.

For those of you who are having a smoke while reading this… you may want to read on.

“Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life.” Brook Shields

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