Quit Smoking, Method Eight


10 Seconds To Quitting

LADY BRACKNELL: “Do you smoke?”

JACK:Well, yes, I must admit I smoke.”

LADY BRACKNELL: I am glad to hear it. A man should always have an occupation of some kind. There are far too many idle men in London as it is.” 

– Oscar Wilde, The Importance of Being Earnest

I thought I might be losing you with all the fancy talk and the smoke and mirrors show, so henceforth I will keep it primitive and oversimplified so that you might have a better chance at success.

10 Seconds to quitting is all about success and riding that wave until you have effectively quit the habit that made you buy this book. Sure right now you think you can’t quit, and why? Because you think you can’t quit forever and it’s going to be hard and you’re going to make everyone around you miserable.

Who wants to suffer the ill effects of quitting? Not you that’s for sure. Who in their right mind wants to deal with “The Cravings”? Ya I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking  “Hey author buddy, calm down. The cravings only last a few minutes and the strongest ones will last seven minutes. Over time those cravings will lessen and go away.” 

Well that’s easy for you to say… I’m thinking of you.

What about the restlessness and the sleeping problems and yes, I will mention the irritability, mood swings, anger and what of the anxiety quitting brings. If you let me go on I’ll bring up the increase in appetite and weight gain. Oh sure, you’ll say something to the effect of “This too shall pass” well is that really comforting to you? It doesn’t do much for me.

Still want to quit? Well, don’t say I didn’t warn you about the cold-like symptoms you’ll be dealing with, coughing, sore throat and sneezing. How about constipation, dizziness, lightheadedness and mouth ulcers, OMG what are you thinking?!

So, one of you out there is ok with this? You sicko! Fine I’ll fill you in on the 10 Second method. It’s simple and it works.

Next time you’re about to grab a smoke from your pack, stop and count to 10, I’m talking Mississippi seconds. Then after you finish counting, give yourself a pat on the back or do a little fist pump, cause you just quit for 10 seconds. Congratulations you are a winner.

I know WTF that’s not quitting. But it is. Once you’ve mastered quitting for 10 seconds, you can now move on to 15 or 20 seconds. It’s very important that you don’t start with 10 minutes or even one minute. This only works if you make very small increments. You see 10 seconds is so easy that you will not suffer one wit. You’ll realize that quitting for 10 seconds feels pretty good. On top of that you won’t suffer any of the common symptoms associated with quitting smoking.

Now that you’ve counted to 10, light up and celebrate that success. Suck back some of that well deserved panacea that can only come from a stick filled with Acetanisole, Benzoic Acid and Cinnamyl Propionate. MMM… that’s good.

Over the next few weeks add a few seconds to the amount of time you quit smoking. It’s very important that you feel successful after your quitting time and make sure not to forget to high five yourself or throw a fist pump like you’re walking out of a high school detention. You deserve it.

You see if you build a habit of success and grow it, that success will be followed by more and more progress. Eventually you’ll be holding off for 10 minutes and right now 10 minutes may not seem that long but, that could be one less cigarette a day.  One less pleasurable moment filling your lungs with Methylbenzaldehyde and Isobutyraldehyde, oh the sadness of it all.

Remember this method only works if you’re happy with your achievement. If  you find that 20 seconds is too long, then go back to 10 seconds, until you’re ready to move on. When you start getting to the big numbers set a timer on your phone. In time you’ll be smoke free and you did it all with using little sprinkles of time.

Three years removed from that last cigarette, your risk of having a heart attack will have decreased to that of a nonsmoker. Five years after you stop your risk of lung cancer is halved. Ya that’s not so great; you’d think that would be a little better. Maybe quitting isn’t really worth it after all. If it is then ten years down the road, if you live that long, your chances of lung cancer are the same as a nonsmoker and your precancerous cells are being replaced with healthy ones. Fifteen years into not smoking, your risk of heart attack and stroke are the same as that of a person who’s never smoked before.

What are we left with? If you’re gonna do it, you’re gonna do it. For now sit back, light up a butt filled concoction of Undecalactone, Propylidenephthalide and prune juice concentrate and think about it. To date there are Seven Thousand chemical compounds that have been identified and almost Seventy carcinogenic chemicals. I’ll say it again, MMM… the thrill of smoking.

“Personally, if I were trying to discourage people from smoking, my sign would be a little different. In fact, I might even go too far in the opposite direction. My sign would say something like, “Smoke if you wish. But if you do, be prepared for the following series of events: First, we will confiscate your cigarette and extinguish it somewhere on the surface of your skin. We will then run your nicotine-stained fingers through a paper shredder and throw them into the street, where wild dogs will swallow them and then regurgitate them into the sewers, so that infected rats can further soil them before they’re flushed out to sea with the rest of the city’s filth. After such time, we will systematically seek out your friends and loved ones and destroy their lives.”
Wouldn’t you like to see a sign like that?” George Carlin

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