Tag: smoking

Smoke Free with method Three

METHOD THREE: Enumerate Roll & Dilute

“I quit smoking in December. I’m really depressed about it. I love smoking, I love fire, I miss lighting cigarettes. I like the whole thing about it, to me it turns into the artist’s life, and now people like Bloomberg have made animals out of smokers, and they think that if they stop smoking everyone will live forever.” – David Lynch 

     Written on papyrus and stuffed deep into the catacombs of ancient history, never again to encourage or advise the ones who aspire to forsake the dreaded reefer, is method three, enumerate roll and dilute. ERD is a technique as old as it’s name and for this reason I chose to unearth and unleash to you the dynamically persuasive power of ERD. 

     How could you effectively discontinue your enslavement to the coffin nail by using such an unsophisticated and primitive technique? you may be asking yourself. I will respond to your query with a query of my own. How can you not quit, using this method?

     Withdrawing from the multi-daily ritual of  wheezing back a smoke has been done on many occasions using ERD. Those who think themselves sympatico with the medico would  unquestionably agree that if you can count, you can certainly find success with ERD.

     Enumerate Roll & Dilute works in three simple steps:

  1. Enumerate or Count. Over a period of  Seven days starting with Sunday, you count how many cigarettes you smoke during the day. Here’s where it gets a little complicated, you have to write down those numbers. After seven days of enumerating you’ll take those numbers and add them all up. You’ll have what mathematicians call a “total”. (If I’m going too fast just stop and go back to the top.) Next you’ll take your total and divide that number by 7. This will give you an average of your daily consumption. For example, if you smoke a total of  133 cigarettes in a week, divide that by 7 days, you’d be averaging 19 a day.

  2. Roll or Flip. Now that you know that you’re ingesting 19 butts a day, you can admit straight away that you have a pretty bad addiction and should hang your head in shame. Ok, 19 butts. Take out an empty pack of smokes and add 19 cigs and flip one of those over. This will be your test. You want to have that one smoke there at the end of your day. Not smoking that one flipped over cigarette will be your gold medal for the day. Pat yourself on the back. You won today’s battle.

  3. Dilute or Reduce. Every Sunday you will remove one cigarette from that pack and flip over another. So on the second Sunday you will put 18 cigarettes in your pack and flip one over and pace your day and spread them out. The following Sunday you’ll put 17 cigarettes and flip one over and so on and so on. If you can’t figure out what to do the following Sunday. Move on to method four.

     In this scenario, it will take you twenty weeks to quit smoking. Maybe you’ll get stuck at a certain number. That’s referred to as plateauing. Don’t be discouraged, you’ve cut back so far and that is a good thing. At some point you will arrive at a final week where you find yourself with one cigarette in your pack and it will be flipped over. You can keep it there as a reminder and a very powerful symbol of your commitment, a show of your superior will power over the death stick. Yes, you too can become an annoying and irritating ex-smoker. 

     After just three days of not smoking Decanoic Acid Dextrose, Heptanoic Acid and Furanon  you’ll be bragging to your friends about your capabilities to breathe easily. It’s really because your bronchial tubes inside your lungs have started to relax and open; but they don’t have to know that. You can just go walking around breathing effortlessly, you big show off. Go ahead, exchange carbon dioxide and oxygen easily, you’ve got this, it’s all you. You won’t be able to hide the extra lung capacity from anyone and you know that’s all they’ll be talking about around the water cooler.

     To you my friend,  who thought quitting was absurd just a few minutes ago. I applaud and salute you.

“…[T]here is no “safe” dose of a carcinogen.”  Rachel Carson, Silent Spring


Quit smoking method two

METHOD TWO: Renounce Procuring Baccy

“There’s nothing quite like tobacco: it’s the passion of decent folk, and whoever lives without tobacco doesn’t deserve to live.” – Moliere

Renounce Procuring Baccy or R.P.B. as it’s known in professional circles, may seem a little intimidating at first glance, and it should . I mean seriously, when was the last time you renounced anything? I can only assume it was back in the Seventeen Hundreds, when you were procuring baccy and this is how far back this method can be traced, if not further. If this method is followed to a “T” or as no one likes to say “to a tittle”, it will be close to one hundred percent effective.

I often get the impression that complicated terminology like Renounce Procuring Baccy impedes and handicaps one’s efforts at relinquishing the compulsive obsession with the venomous toxin. Therefore, in the following pages I will use my natural gifts in orismology to reduce the reconditeness to a streamlined and simplic patois, thus removing all nomenclature.

AKA KISS and if you DIY, ASAP, according to most MDs and the AMA, you’ll be all like OMG and at the EOD, your ETA to the Promised Land will likely have moved a little into the future because you will no longer be a POW of the cigarette.

If you’re still confused, Renounce Procuring Baccy simply means Quit Buying Smokes. Don’t kid yourself, this technique as I so simplistically mentioned above has been proven almost one hundred percent successful.

But, like any other stop smoking method, R.P.B. will only work if you are prepared to commit to it. There are two simple yet very important steps you must take to secure your success using this approach.

You must publicly announce to all of your bidi addicted friends and acquaintances that you are not going to quit smoking. Now that you have their attention, you will in an obstreperous manner declare:

“From this day forth, I am Renouncing any and all Procuring of Baccy using my own capital.” (Note: You must say it this way or it’s just not gonna work.)

From this moment on, you will only bum, swipe or plunder smokes from your friends and acquaintances. You will want to use cool lines like:

You: “Hey! You gotta light?”

Miscellaneous Friend: “Sure” they’ll say.

You: “You gotta smoke to go with that?”

The miscellaneous friend takes a cigarette out his/her/them/it/she/he/misc… pack and hand it to you with an inquisitive look.

Miscellaneous Friend: “I thought you quit smoking?”

You: “Oh, I didn’t quit, I simply renounced procuring baccy with my own capital.” You say with a mischievous glance.

Both of you laugh the first time, despite the fact that miscellaneous friend doesn’t seem as amused by your little deception as you are. (Still, who can blame you? It’s such a cool line.). Nevertheless, this will get old and soon you will be shunned by all. Eventually none of your friends or acquaintances will give you Baccy. You will be left searching for butts on the side of the road like you did when you were twelve. This too will get old.

Within a few days of using this method, your supply of the Viscid foliage will be almost extinguished. In a short period of time you will surrender all hopes of accessing the plant of the nightshade that is cultivated for its leaves. At this point well established friends will be referring to you as a leech, a sponge, a moocher, a freeloader and a parasite.

Take heart, you successfully banished Methoxymethyl Pyridine, Immortelle Extract and small quantities of High Fructose Corn from your lungs and with it a constellation of changes. Not only will your friends soon disappear, within 48 hours after your last cigarette you’ll get your nerve back. That is damaged nerve endings will start to regrow. You’ll also begin smelling more (Better sense of smell and you’ll be detoxing. So yes, you’ll be smelling more.) and your sense of taste will improve. You’ll finally realize how bad of a cook you are; don’t panic, fries are still delicious.

Did this method work for you? If so, for all your efforts and future achievements I give you a hearty “Hear-Hear!”.

“Smoking is indispensable if one has nothing to kiss” – Sigmund Freud