METHOD SIX
Assuasive Radical Decompressed Divergences
“Then she declared loudly, “Smoke break!” and everyone’s eyes came to us,
some of them shocked seeing as these days you could light up a doobie and no one would blink but if you lit up a smoke,
you courted being publicly stoned to death.” – Kristen Ashley, Wild Man
A.R.D.D. What could I really add to Assuasive Radical Decompressed Divergences that hasn’t already been said? The name says it all. But, since I am writing this book and need to fill pages… Please allow me to expand on what I’m sure you’re all but too familiar with.
I guess if an expert with a PHD on the subject of A.R.D.D. as it relates to smoking, had to write an essay on the subject, he would probably begin with something like… A.R.D.D. “What can one say? That hasn’t already been said?”
Do you find that ingesting a warm mixture of Hydrogen Cyanide, Ammonia and Arsenic with just a dash of Lead takes the edge off when you’re stressed? Do you assuage yourself right before bed most nights using this misunderstood contaminant? If so, you may be smoking just to relax. Never mind the fact that the reassuring suction you take on the scepter of death is actually a stimulant. When you suck on the mutagen staff, it’s more likely to make you restless than give you peace of mind. The concoction of Carbon Monoxide and Nitrosamine actually makes you nervous. Tobacco is, after all, a stimulating substance that tends to make people edgy and apprehensive.
So what? You say it relaxes you then it relaxes you. I don’t care about the science. Screw science. Hell, Albert Einstein smoked a pipe and he lived to the ripe old age of 76 years. Who wants to live longer than that? But hey, maybe you’re one of the rare ones that want to get to 76 and maybe a couple days older. Or, maybe you want to get there walking and not crawling? Well, what can be done?
Something radical. This method is not for the faint of heart. This one is about turning your “I need a smoke, Hulk smash.” attitude into a Ghandi like zen that overtakes your very soul. Or at least keeps you out of prison. It’s right there in the name kids “Radical”. So if you get queasy easily, you might want to just skip over this part and go right on to method seven like a good little kindergarten baby. See ya.
You decided to stay after all, well congratulations. The next letter in A.R.D.D. is “D” The next phase of our plan is attacking the letter “D” as in decompresse. Rhymes with? It doesn’t matter what it rhymes with. We’re not writing poetry here. You need to focus!
Decompress: To relax, unwind, depressurize, slow down, loosen up.You think having a smoke relaxes you and maybe somewhere deep inside your mind it does. (To be clear, the science says it doesn’t.) When you ingest that wonderful exhaust filled with Cadmium, Vinyl Chloride and that truly magical chemical Nicotine, the latter docks at receptor sites in your brain which causes a hormone called dopamine to be released making you feel real good.
Are there other things you can do to get your brain to release dopamine without smoking? Do we even care? I mean, smoke a cigarette and get dopamine, how much simpler can it get? Maybe just maybe you’re serious about quitting this time and you’re willing to read on to see what kind of radical treatment might be reasonable. You don’t simply want to relax, you want that dopamine flowing, cause really that’s what you’re jonesin for.
Let’s look at a few things that increase dopamine and see how radical things can get.
- Your body needs Tyrosine to produce dopamine, so eating foods like Almonds, Bananas and Avocados can give you a boost. But seriously who has time to snack on Almonds when a little hit of a gas chamber poison named Hydrogen Cyanide is all you really need. I vote “Too Radical”.
- Exercise Regularly and it could give you a better outlook on life and improve your overall mood. A fast paced walk has been shown to be the best if not the only way to create new brain cells. Look at me offering you this revolutionary treatment option. Exercise on a regular basis it’s not only insane, I say “Too Radical”.
- Meditation, yup meditation helps you decompress and create dopamine. Maybe you were right after all, maybe smoking does relax you. If only there was some way of learning to meditate. If only one could simply close their eyes and take a few deep breaths. Maybe download the latest “relax me” App that guides you through the process of breathing deep a few times and explicates the closing of the eyes while breathing deeply. Who cares if meditating leads to improved focus and concentration? You just want to simply reach into your pocket or purse and grab the intoxicating baton that leads you into closing your eyes and taking a few deep, long spirituous breaths. Consumed by the exquisite flavors of Sulphur Compounds and the embalming fluid Formaldehyde, you bask in all of its fragrances. So simple, why would you bother complicating your life with meditation? NO! “Too Radical”.
- Massages, that’s right, a massage can lower your stress by 30%. By reducing your stress you increase your levels of dopamine. You may also increase the chances of your spouse or partner getting suspicious about the whole thing. Massage equals divorce. I’ll say it for you, “Too Radical”.
- It was William Congreve who in 1967 wrote the oft mis-quoted line “Music has Charms to soothe a savage breast, to soften rocks or bend a knotted Oak.” Congreve was right, listening to calming music really has a lot of power. It can quieten your mind and unruffle your feathers. Calm soothing music.
Who has time for music? Not you and me. Why on earth would you set aside a few minutes of private time made just for you? No this doesn’t feel right, instead let’s take a short stroll outside in the cold damp winter night and light up a joystick filled with Hexamine and Toluene. Music, sadly “Too Radical”.
If by any chance you found any of those radical ideas not so radical, then you can move on to our final “D” Divergences. Why do one thing when you can do multiple, say maybe even a little threesome of sorts? A little deviation from the normal, a little departure from the usual. Some might say a little diversion. Mix it up a little, live life on the edge.
Who needs more stamina, more energy, more clear mindedness and a better outlook on life? More, more, more, is that all people ever want? Just be happy with where you are and enjoy the remainder of your hospital free life. Live every moment like it’s your last. Better health? Who needs it? Who cares that after six months of a smokeless meaningless life you’ll probably handle stressful events and situations better. What are you going to do with all that free time you have, now that you’re not spending it coughing up phlegm and mucus?
A.R.D.D. may be too far ahead of this time, maybe even too radical. But if you have chosen to be radicalized using this method, I magnify your name and commend you..
“Cigarettes are a classy way to commit suicide.” Kurt Vonnegut