Month: September 2020

Quit Smoking: Method Five, Stay Alive

METHOD FIVE: Conserve Increase Relish


“After some time he felt for his pipe. It was not broken, and that was something. Then he felt for his pouch, and there was some tobacco in it, and that was something more. Then he felt for matches and he could not find any at all, and that shattered his hopes completely.”   – J.R.R. Tolkien, The Hobbit

     Conserve Increase Relish also known as, save up and enjoy the benefits. Now before I begin telling you how much money you could save if you quit smoking; I have some good news for those of you who want to keep puffing away. 

     The price of cigarettes hasn’t really gone up that much in the last 20 years. I can almost hear you now, “What is this guy talking about?” cries the dumbfounded mind. “He’s insane! A mad man!” another skeptic howls, do I hear blasphemy… now you’ve gone too far.

     Sit back, light up and let me explain. I will be using mostly  U.S. prices for this part. Back in the 1950’s in the good old U.S. of A,  minimum wage was about $0.75 per hour and a pack of smokes went for about $0.25. So, one hour of work at minimum wage could buy you three packs of the nicotine sticks. In 1965 when about 42% of the population was still inhaling the luscious poison, a bundle would cost you about $0.30 and minimum wage was about $1.00 per hour, again buying you 3.

     We move to the 2000’s where smokes went up in price but have basically remained stable since then. Back in 2000 a pack cost about $4.00 and minimum wage was about $5.00. An hour of labour got you a pack of smokes. Now in 2020 minimum wage is about $7.25 and a pack will cost you about $6.25, once again an hour of labor gets you a box. Of course depending on where you live etc, etc., you’ll have variations on the price of cigs and wages. This is just an average over the whole country, so please calm your shit.

     All I’m trying to say is, you really don’t have to complain too much about the price of smokes. If money is not an issue for you and you like to spend one of your working hours to pay for the pleasure of puffing away, do it. Stop worrying about your wellbeing, your health and your seaworthiness; people will get over you dying, pretty quick. Sure they’ll miss you for the first couple of days, but then they’ll be like “The house smells so much better now that he’s gone.” So stop feeling guilty and let anyone who says otherwise go fidget themselves. Buuuut… if you do care about the moola and you do want to quit read on.

     Depending on where you live in Canada the price of smokes will differ. In Canada as of 2020 the price of a pack of smokes will range between  $11.00 to $16.00 and minimum wage averages between $11.30 to $15.00 per hour. The hour of labor vs smokes stands firm so far.

     For the next few examples I’ll be using Canadian dollars. Why? Because it sounds like more money. Now, if you’re an American and are slightly confused by the price difference don’t be, the reason is the metric system. You see we here in Canada and pretty much the rest of the world (including Nasa) use the metric system. For example “One Inch” equals about “Three Centimeters”, so while a pack of smokes in the US is $6.25 here in Canada the metric version is about $12.50.

     Let’s say you smoke half a pack a day (if you smoke a whole pack, multiply the next numbers by 2), you’ll be spending about $6.25 Metric/Canadian dollars. Multiply that by 365 days (that’s the number of days in a year). “Come on I’m not that brainless!” you might be saying at this point,  but if you’re still smoking, I beg to differ. The cost of your substance abuse is about $236,000 dollars a year. I’m just kidding… It’s about $2,300.00 a year give or take. Now, if you and your partner smoke or you tend to give some away to friends and leeches, and you work your way up to a pack a day; that’ll cost you $4,600.00 a year. What would you do if you won $2,300.00 on a scratch and win? You could be a winner every year.

     I once knew a man who smoked cigars and one day decided he wanted to spend his money on something else. He got out a giant old pickle jar and put it on the floor next to his bed and every day when he got ready for work he’d drop in his cigar money for that day. After a year he had enough money to take a trip. He did this for years and every time the price of cigars went up he’d increase the amount of money he’d put into his jar. At one point he decided to save for five years and at the end of the day he had enough money set aside to put a down payment on a small restaurant.

     That restaurant was his pride and joy, until one day his wife left him and took the restaurant away from him. But, that’s not the point, is it? No, the point is if you’re going to quit smoking and save up tons of money and buy a restaurant, divorce your wife first.

     For me personally, money is not a huge motivator. I mean, I like money, it’s a great tool. I sometimes wish I had more. Some people are motivated by “The Cash” (As the kids say.) to buy things like “The Stuff” while others may lean toward saving for their future retirement. If you put away $2,300.00 a year for 10 years and you add a 4% average growth rate over those ten years, you’d have about $31,000.00. That could pay for the extra lifetime you add from quitting. A different person may be about to start a family. Kids will sap every penny you have. So go ahead and find something you want. A trip, a new T.V. a phone, a savings account, whatever you want. Get a pen and paper and write it down, “I am going to be the proud owner of X” and if X doesn’t appeal to you, replace it with whatever does.

     Now put that note in  your purse or wallet and any time you get the notion to buy a pack, read it, commit to it, visualize it if you can. This is your new mantra.

     Not only will you have more of “The Cash”, a month post cigarettes you’ll begin to feel a sense of heightened energy, one that I’m sure your spouse will appreciate, if you catch what I’m throwing. Nudge, nudge, wink, wink. (I am talking about mowing the lawn just to make it clear.) If you know what I mean? You’ll also notice less sinus congestion and shortness of breath. The fibers in your lungs will be growing back; this will help protect you against bacterial infections. This could mean less snoring and with less snoring,  you’re less likely to wake up in the middle of night with your wife holding a pillow over your face trying to accidentally end your life so she can sleep just one night without having to wear soundproof headphones. So, yeah, a longer life possibly. 

     All those people who weren’t going to miss you all that much when you die, will simply have to put up with you a little longer. You can still keep the house smelling bad by not bathing or using deodorant. Not all is lost. You’ll probably smell pretty bad while you’re detoxing too, so there’s that.

     Congratulations, you are no longer sucking back sticks of Decalactone, Mace powder and Isoamyl Hexanoate. Well done, my compliments to you.

“Earth is a necessity, not Mars. Food and water are necessities, not alcohol and cigarettes.”  Abhijit Naskar


Smoke no more with method four

METHOD FOUR: Gasconade Acquirements Publicly

“Well, I’m not here to impinge on anybody else’s lifestyle. If I’m in a place where I know I’m going to harm somebody’s health or somebody asks me to please not smoke, I just go outside and smoke. But I do resent the way the nonsmoking mentality has been imposed on the smoking minority. Because, first of all, in a democracy, minorities do have rights. And, second, the whole pitch about smoking has gone from being a health issue to a moral issue, and when they reduce something to a moral issue, it has no place in any kind of legislation, as far as I’m concerned.”    – Frank Zappa

     Back in the old days, I’m sure your mom told you that gasconading was rude and impolite and she was right and wrong. It’s true that gasconading has long been seen as an unfavorable characteristic in most societies, but I dare ask you, is it really all that bad to throw down a little cock-a-doodle-doo once in a while? I say no, especially if it’s for a good cause, that one being your health. So go ahead and cock-a-hoop your way to a non-smoking lifestyle.

     Right now I bet you’re saying “What the heck is a non-smoking lifestyle?” Well, it’s one filled with a little flaunt, a little flourish and yes even a little cock-a-hoop. So how does a person actually do it? How will the big “G” help you to quit your Huffin’ & Puffin’ plight? I’m glad you asked.

     I’m sure you are well familiar with the idea of ego, self-pride or self-admiration? Of course you are, “Look at you, you’re so good looking.”. We all have it in us to want to brag about our accomplishments, especially the non-fictitious ones. On the other hand, none of us likes to be called or caught on our B.S. or as we say in Canada “Bull-Caca”. So how do you use the ego and the “G” Meister together to form an unbeatable superhero team that will create a you, absent of cigarettes? It’s easy. This technique requires you to brag about the fact that you quit smoking. It’s a fake it, ‘til you make it, thing. This technique works by the sheer force of boasting about your new found acquirements.

     What have you acquired? The skill, the will, the volition to end your smoking habit. That’s right, you’ve done it, you’ve accomplished the once impossible task of renouncing cigarettes and you are letting everyone know. You are making it very public that your smoking days are behind you and making sure that all your smoking friends and acquaintances know they are all weak, flaccid, spineless, enervated, fragile wimps who could not accomplish the task at hand. Make sure to spend the first few weeks in the smoking section with them letting them know. They’ll appreciate it.

     There will be doubters and skeptics to be sure. There are those who know your fondness for the “Tar Goddess” and they will be watching your every move, waiting in dark corners to catch you “lighting one up”. There will also be those devotees and addicts who try to discourage your effort and weaken your will. People like your mom, and anyone else who claims to love you. The followers of  “Baccy Almighty” will not want you leaving their cult and so you must be strong.

     There will come a time when all your efforts of self-aggrandizing will end and the people in your life will come to accept the new you.

     It was William Shakespear, who wrote in Othello “Tis in ourselves that we are thus or thus. Our bodies are our gardens to the which our wills are gardeners.” or to quote Barney Rubble “Think big and be big Fred.” So take that and smoke it in your pipe. Not really though cause we’re trying to get you over that habit. Basically the Shakester was saying you can be whoever you want to be. By making a loud and public announcement of your quitting smoking you add a large amount of pressure and weight to your words and your public persona.

     One week after your declaration, your success rate in quitting smoking for the long term increases dramatically. You are nine times more likely to quit for ever, after just one week of quitting. Think about how much better you’ll be then all those who have started smoking again and what about all those who never even tried quitting because they’ve never smoked a day in their lives, loosers.

     Have you quit? Wonderful. I raise my glass and praise your achievements.

“I regard breathing industrial gas to be as harmful as heavy smoking.”

Steven Magee

Smoke Free with method Three

METHOD THREE: Enumerate Roll & Dilute

“I quit smoking in December. I’m really depressed about it. I love smoking, I love fire, I miss lighting cigarettes. I like the whole thing about it, to me it turns into the artist’s life, and now people like Bloomberg have made animals out of smokers, and they think that if they stop smoking everyone will live forever.” – David Lynch 

     Written on papyrus and stuffed deep into the catacombs of ancient history, never again to encourage or advise the ones who aspire to forsake the dreaded reefer, is method three, enumerate roll and dilute. ERD is a technique as old as it’s name and for this reason I chose to unearth and unleash to you the dynamically persuasive power of ERD. 

     How could you effectively discontinue your enslavement to the coffin nail by using such an unsophisticated and primitive technique? you may be asking yourself. I will respond to your query with a query of my own. How can you not quit, using this method?

     Withdrawing from the multi-daily ritual of  wheezing back a smoke has been done on many occasions using ERD. Those who think themselves sympatico with the medico would  unquestionably agree that if you can count, you can certainly find success with ERD.

     Enumerate Roll & Dilute works in three simple steps:

  1. Enumerate or Count. Over a period of  Seven days starting with Sunday, you count how many cigarettes you smoke during the day. Here’s where it gets a little complicated, you have to write down those numbers. After seven days of enumerating you’ll take those numbers and add them all up. You’ll have what mathematicians call a “total”. (If I’m going too fast just stop and go back to the top.) Next you’ll take your total and divide that number by 7. This will give you an average of your daily consumption. For example, if you smoke a total of  133 cigarettes in a week, divide that by 7 days, you’d be averaging 19 a day.

  2. Roll or Flip. Now that you know that you’re ingesting 19 butts a day, you can admit straight away that you have a pretty bad addiction and should hang your head in shame. Ok, 19 butts. Take out an empty pack of smokes and add 19 cigs and flip one of those over. This will be your test. You want to have that one smoke there at the end of your day. Not smoking that one flipped over cigarette will be your gold medal for the day. Pat yourself on the back. You won today’s battle.

  3. Dilute or Reduce. Every Sunday you will remove one cigarette from that pack and flip over another. So on the second Sunday you will put 18 cigarettes in your pack and flip one over and pace your day and spread them out. The following Sunday you’ll put 17 cigarettes and flip one over and so on and so on. If you can’t figure out what to do the following Sunday. Move on to method four.

     In this scenario, it will take you twenty weeks to quit smoking. Maybe you’ll get stuck at a certain number. That’s referred to as plateauing. Don’t be discouraged, you’ve cut back so far and that is a good thing. At some point you will arrive at a final week where you find yourself with one cigarette in your pack and it will be flipped over. You can keep it there as a reminder and a very powerful symbol of your commitment, a show of your superior will power over the death stick. Yes, you too can become an annoying and irritating ex-smoker. 

     After just three days of not smoking Decanoic Acid Dextrose, Heptanoic Acid and Furanon  you’ll be bragging to your friends about your capabilities to breathe easily. It’s really because your bronchial tubes inside your lungs have started to relax and open; but they don’t have to know that. You can just go walking around breathing effortlessly, you big show off. Go ahead, exchange carbon dioxide and oxygen easily, you’ve got this, it’s all you. You won’t be able to hide the extra lung capacity from anyone and you know that’s all they’ll be talking about around the water cooler.

     To you my friend,  who thought quitting was absurd just a few minutes ago. I applaud and salute you.

“…[T]here is no “safe” dose of a carcinogen.”  Rachel Carson, Silent Spring


Quit smoking method two

METHOD TWO: Renounce Procuring Baccy

“There’s nothing quite like tobacco: it’s the passion of decent folk, and whoever lives without tobacco doesn’t deserve to live.” – Moliere

Renounce Procuring Baccy or R.P.B. as it’s known in professional circles, may seem a little intimidating at first glance, and it should . I mean seriously, when was the last time you renounced anything? I can only assume it was back in the Seventeen Hundreds, when you were procuring baccy and this is how far back this method can be traced, if not further. If this method is followed to a “T” or as no one likes to say “to a tittle”, it will be close to one hundred percent effective.

I often get the impression that complicated terminology like Renounce Procuring Baccy impedes and handicaps one’s efforts at relinquishing the compulsive obsession with the venomous toxin. Therefore, in the following pages I will use my natural gifts in orismology to reduce the reconditeness to a streamlined and simplic patois, thus removing all nomenclature.

AKA KISS and if you DIY, ASAP, according to most MDs and the AMA, you’ll be all like OMG and at the EOD, your ETA to the Promised Land will likely have moved a little into the future because you will no longer be a POW of the cigarette.

If you’re still confused, Renounce Procuring Baccy simply means Quit Buying Smokes. Don’t kid yourself, this technique as I so simplistically mentioned above has been proven almost one hundred percent successful.

But, like any other stop smoking method, R.P.B. will only work if you are prepared to commit to it. There are two simple yet very important steps you must take to secure your success using this approach.

You must publicly announce to all of your bidi addicted friends and acquaintances that you are not going to quit smoking. Now that you have their attention, you will in an obstreperous manner declare:

“From this day forth, I am Renouncing any and all Procuring of Baccy using my own capital.” (Note: You must say it this way or it’s just not gonna work.)

From this moment on, you will only bum, swipe or plunder smokes from your friends and acquaintances. You will want to use cool lines like:

You: “Hey! You gotta light?”

Miscellaneous Friend: “Sure” they’ll say.

You: “You gotta smoke to go with that?”

The miscellaneous friend takes a cigarette out his/her/them/it/she/he/misc… pack and hand it to you with an inquisitive look.

Miscellaneous Friend: “I thought you quit smoking?”

You: “Oh, I didn’t quit, I simply renounced procuring baccy with my own capital.” You say with a mischievous glance.

Both of you laugh the first time, despite the fact that miscellaneous friend doesn’t seem as amused by your little deception as you are. (Still, who can blame you? It’s such a cool line.). Nevertheless, this will get old and soon you will be shunned by all. Eventually none of your friends or acquaintances will give you Baccy. You will be left searching for butts on the side of the road like you did when you were twelve. This too will get old.

Within a few days of using this method, your supply of the Viscid foliage will be almost extinguished. In a short period of time you will surrender all hopes of accessing the plant of the nightshade that is cultivated for its leaves. At this point well established friends will be referring to you as a leech, a sponge, a moocher, a freeloader and a parasite.

Take heart, you successfully banished Methoxymethyl Pyridine, Immortelle Extract and small quantities of High Fructose Corn from your lungs and with it a constellation of changes. Not only will your friends soon disappear, within 48 hours after your last cigarette you’ll get your nerve back. That is damaged nerve endings will start to regrow. You’ll also begin smelling more (Better sense of smell and you’ll be detoxing. So yes, you’ll be smelling more.) and your sense of taste will improve. You’ll finally realize how bad of a cook you are; don’t panic, fries are still delicious.

Did this method work for you? If so, for all your efforts and future achievements I give you a hearty “Hear-Hear!”.

“Smoking is indispensable if one has nothing to kiss” – Sigmund Freud

X-Amount of ways to quit smoking

Here’s a preview of my twenty or so page self help booklet titled:

“X-Amount of ways to quit smoking OR Laugh your way to a smoke free life, Maybe

Written by Patrick Clermont

“The duty of comedy is to correct men by amusing them.”  – Moliere

“Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I’ve done it a thousand times.”   Mark Twain

     MMM… the pleasures of smoking. Yes, that wonderful ritual of lighting up and sucking back on the filtered teat that gives you hope and a reason to live (and possibly a way to die). “The Cigarette”. What other reason would you have to wake up in the morning if not for the insidious, yet so alluring trappings of said cigarette? A wife, husband, kids, work? Heck, those are the reasons you indulge in this soothing and calming ceremonial tradition. You reach for the magical baton slowly bringing it to your lips, you set fire to it,  you begin to absorb the nostrum, then shangri-la. Life is worth living once more. Truth be told, if it wasn’t for work, friends, family and overdue bills, you would have quit a long time ago. But you my friend are no quitter. Or are you?

     Have you tried to quit before? Probably. Maybe you’ve tried reading motivational quotes to try to inspire you? Things like:

  • “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try, try again.” when in fact the quote that might suit you better would be “If at first you don’t succeed, deny ever trying.”
  • “We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.”  -Aristotle
    That makes you an excellent smoker.
  • “You are greater than your addiction” – Nasia Davos
    He was probably thinking of someone else.

     Is it possible that today is different than all other days before? After all, you legally purchased this book in hopes to find the enchanted and mythical formula that will end your obsessive dependency on the consumption of “The Monster From The Tar Pit”. Maybe.

     If you’re thinking that this book is going to change your life, then you may be more wretched and pitiful than I initially speculated when I took on the task of writing this manuscript. If one “Quit Smoking” book could do the trick, then Allen Carr would have stopped writing after his first “Quit Smoking” book. Instead he went on to write:  “Easy way to stop smoking” and  “Little book of quitting” and “Stop smoking permanently” and his really helpful one, Allen Carr’s “Easy Expressway to Stop Smoking and quit E-Cigarettes” and finally, but probably not, this really, really helpful one “No more ashtrays”. I hope you get the picture.

     If not, here it is. Quitting smoking is not easy, in fact it’s so hard Allen Carr had to write a book for every day of the year on the subject. At this point I’m surprised he simply doesn’t write his books on Zig Zag rolling papers. Now you find yourself buying my book “X amount of ways to quit smoking or Laugh your way to a smoke free life. Maybe.” Take note that this implausible and  ill-fated journey you’re about to embark on comes with a small disclaimer and warning.

Here it is::

  1. There’s a really good chance you’ve just wasted $2.99. I hate to add insult to injury, nonetheless I will tell you that you could have bought two “Hotdog & Pop” combos at Costco for that price, then had a smoke afterwards.
  2. Unfortunately you’re probably gonna read this book and fail again. Who can blame you? Maybe it’s because deep inside you can’t muster up the kahunas to take it all the way home? I’ll let you be the judge of that.

     “Good luck this time my friend.” your acquaintances will say after they find out you’ve legally purchased this digital book. All the while you’ll be sucking in a warm dose of that magical elixir nicotine, the one that so graciously brings you a calming and reassuring sensation. As you blow out the enchanted fumes of the much bedeviled leaf of the Nicotiana genus, you close your eyes and smile. With coffee, with tea, with drink, it doesn’t matter; this is yours and you love it. You love it damn it and you know what? It’s ok.

     Yes, I said it. It’s ok. You can’t help it, it’s not your fault. You’re weak and vulnerable, you can’t be held responsible for the decisions you make. You simply can’t quit. You don’t smoke because you want to, you smoke because you have to.  You’re sick and need help. So, go ahead and put this book down, go light one up before you lose all remaining self control and do something you’ll regret.

METHOD ONE: Contrary  Neuroscience

     Did it work? That kid, was reverse psychology.  Were you like… “Hell no! I’m not weak, I know what I’m doing. I can quit anytime. I’ll prove it to you. I quit.”

     If the first method worked, congratulations, you are now an ex-smoker. Welcome to your new life. Now that you’ve quit smoking you’ll start to get immediate results and health benefits. Twenty minutes from now your heart rate is likely to return to normal. (Whatever that means.) But hold on, there’s more, we’re not through yet. This time tomorrow your blood’s carbon monoxide level will be falling back into place. (Google that. I have no idea what it means but come on… it sounds good.) After barely two to three weeks, you will start to lower your odds of having a heart attack. That means a lesser chance that those “loved ones” in your life will be cashing in on that life insurance policy they all think you have. 

     At this point you’re probably thinking that things couldn’t get much better. Oh, but they will. In the long run, you will also lower your chance of getting lung cancer and other cancers. Think about it, other cancers. Did you know that  many people die every year of other cancers?

     For those of you who have triumphed over your Nicotine, Tartaric Acid and Veratraldehyde addiction using the first method and now find yourselves smoke free, I say “Congratulations, chip, chip, what, what!”.

     For those of you who are having a smoke while reading this… you may want to read on.

“Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life.” – Brook Shields 

Want to read more let me know or buy the book on Amazon or Google books.