There are things in life that you simply can never prepare for, and loosing your child is one of them. The pain, the anger, the sadness, the stress, the loneliness, the depression the list goes on and on.
The night before was a little unusual, TC our 11 month old walking almost talking daughter was tired. It was weird because she wasn’t a sleeper. When she was first born, we would have to take shifts walking her outside so we could rest a few hours. I would take her out in the stroller and walk for 2 hours and let Honey sleep, then she would take care of TC a few hours and I’d sleep. The first 6 months, I swear she only slept 3 or 4 hours a day. So the fact that she was pulling us to her room and falling a sleep was weird, but we thought maybe her no sleeping faze was over and we finally tired her out.
She slept through the night. Wow, we got up in the morning at about seven and peeked into her room, yes, she’s still breathing, let’s go and make some coffee quietly and chat. Then, 8 o’clock came around, then 9? I’m gonna go wake her up? Was I crazy? So, off to her room I went, laid down beside her on her little bed and gently started to wake her up. I could see that she was trying to open her eyes and wake up, but couldn’t… man is she tired, I thought to myself. But, soon I realized something was terribly wrong, she couldn’t wake up.
Panic. I picked her up called Honey and we jumped into the car. The day before I was carrying her down the stairs and I fell with her in my arms. I took the beating from the stairs, but I thought maybe she’d got shaken up, maybe, she had a concussion? We went to the walk in clinic and told the lady at the desk that we couldn’t wake our daughter… The Doctor saw us right away, not one minute into it, he looked at us and told us to take her to the emergency room at the hospital, (which happen to be across the street), “they’ll be waiting for you” he said.
When we got the emergency room there was a team of nurses and doctors waiting for us. They took TC and started doing all kinds of tests, pricking her with needles, checking her eyes, blood work and on and on. “What’s wrong?” we asked, “we don’t know”, into the CT scan she went… “Your daughter seems to have an abnormal brain” they said, “what does that mean?”, “We’re not sure, but we’ve called for a helicopter, we’re flying her to children’s hospital”. Within minutes the helicopter was there and Honey jumped on board. I made a call to her parents to let them know what was going on… I dialed the number, they picked up, and I couldn’t utter a word. I couldn’t speak, I tried, but nothing came out, so I hung up the phone. I turned around and by some strange coincidence our friend was sitting in the emergency room waiting with her son. I choked out the what ever words I could, I explained I couldn’t tell my in-laws… “Can you call them for me?” she did
By the time I got to the children’s hospital, TC was in surgery. We found out she had a brain tumour, a very rare one. They took out what they could, and in the end we were left with the knowledge that she a had about 9 months left to live. After spending what seemed an entire lifetime at the hospital, we took her home with dreams of full recovery… there was no way she would die on our shift. We tried to drag out every moment of every day, tried to make them last for ever… but, the day came.
The night before she past away, we camped out in her room. We slept on the floor, and when I awoke next morning, she was not breathing. I jumped up and started CPR, she’s back… “Call the ambulance”. Back to the helicopter, back to children’s hospital, back to ICU. I held her in my arms while she was in a coma, and Honey held her while she died, and long after she past. If you want something to Fuck up your life for ever, this is it. We went home without our daughter, TC was gone, and we were alone, together.
Chip and Honey Toodee
To be continued…